Matthew Lesko: The Question Mark Suit Guy Peddling Free Government Grants

Here is a game you can play when you are all by yourself and have nothing better to do. You can read forums et al and try to guess, without looking at the infomercial itself, Who is Matthew Lesko? Because some compare him to President Barack Obama, Richard Simmons, and Miss Cleo. Now if you are a fan of the President, that can set you off track. And if you genuinely find Richard Simmons funny, more so. But Miss Cleo—well, she does have a show on Fox so the mystery is an enigma.

Then, you think—maybe they all have done an government grants infomercial? But President Obama has not, if you define infomercial in the strictest sense of the word.

So who is Matthew Lesko? Ayn Rand would say—he is not John Galt. But I ramble.

Because then people would say, who on earth is Ayn Rand, who is John Galt, and who is this Cramer guy? Then a hint of what Matthew Lesko does is revealed. He dishes advice on the stock market, without doing research. He just does it on his own sensibility. But he is not a psychic like Miss Cleo. Although, like Miss Cleo, Matthew Lesko’s wardrobe which is a yellow bowtie, and a jacket adorned with yellow question marks is memorable and unlike Miss Cleo’s turban, is being offered for free.

The symbolic meaning of the yellow question marks that are all over his jacket do not miss my sharp and observant eye, nor set my insight astray. I know what it means. It signifies mystery.

Besides, a review of the Matthew Lesko infomercial explained the man of mystery in one clear word which I discerned through a mysterious process of the brainwaves of my mind being activated by words on a site viewed through my eyes. Hucksterism. Matthew Lesko is a huckster. But would that mean that so too are President Obama, Richard Simmons, Ayn Rand, John Galt, and Cramer?

Remembering the Jay Kordich and His Juiceman Juicer Machine

If you are a lover of juice, then you would probably have no qualms if you met somebody named the Juiceman. And who doesn’t love juice? There’s nothing more refreshing than one fresh from the loom—oh, that’s a t-shirt.

Enter Jay “The Juiceman” Kordich who claims his bladder cancer was cured by following a juice-intensive diet. Well, such things are not new to people who have chosen alternative routes to dealing with cancer. Whether they work or not is another question. But definitely, fresh juice from the fruit is healthy.

And Jay Kordich seems to have a killing personality where some people are concerned. His infomercial has gotten people calling in orders in droves, and Macy’s opened their own “Juice Centers” due to a demand created by Kordich, they say.

The juicer has gotten a sizeable number of fans, indeed. One woman was thrilled to meet Jay Kordich, who seems to be so persuasive that she was determined to get juicing on the spot. Even more, she described Kordich as “amazing”, “awesome”, and “intense”. The juicer, she said, worked well.

And yet, when you see his image in his Juiceman Juicer infomercial the white hair, et al seems a bit overwhelming. I mean, the eyebrows are huge. There is one thing good about this Juiceman juice machine though. When you look up people’s commentary on forums, you get exposed to all sorts of things, like text message writing.

Guess for example what srs means. Right! In text talk, srs means serious. I have learned however, that once you may discern the meaning of a text message on a forum, you have yet another challenge—discerning the sense or meaning or purpose of the sentence behind the puzzle. For example: “also, man juice is sumthin moar srs than wut u refrd 2”. Then you wonder, could srs mean sinister? I mean, talk Hebrew for heaven’s sake. At least they don’t use vowels but it worked for centuries.

Back to the Juiceman. The cancer remark, I can take. But this one took it way over the edge: “If you want to get real high, you need only to drink a glass of straight parsley juice. It’ll be the highest high you’ve ever had in your life, and the only side effect will be that it’ll put you in the restroom and you won’t come out for 7 days.”

I refuse to sit for the same length of time that it took for the world to be created.

Psychic Phone Line Infomercial Queen Miss Cleo

It is widely understood that Miss Cleo is an infomercial psychic, with a fake Caribbean accent and a turban, who supposedly has been jailed for fraud. It was also discovered that she is not from the Caribbean, and is in fact 100% American. Nonetheless, Fox has hired her, and she is now an “expert” on the Lakers. Quite a jump from doing infomercials.

This leads me to believe that one woman was wrong when she said that Miss Cleo Yankees and Cubs in WS is ditzy. I mean, she has become successful in selling a service the truthfulness of which she need not prove—at no investment cost on her part except for infomercial airtime which pays for itself when people call in for their fortunes.

And she’s got fans. SoUtHcHiK thinks she’s fabulous and said, “I am like a white male version of  Miss  Cleo!” Even more, Miss Cleo has been compared to President Obama. Being compared to the President of the United States has got to be a compliment for anybody. With one paradigm shift, she feels complimented, he may feel dissed. But that article that compared Miss Cleo to the President came out twice, copy paste that. Miss Cleo has even been channeled with regards to a vintage mailbox. Even if it was a possibly-maybe-vintage mailbox. So she must be feeling some channeled love.

One woman analyzed Miss Cleo’s style of fortunetelling blow for blow proving logically how she scams, but does she really care if her clairvoyance is doubted? Remember, the sound of a phone is not far from that of a cash register. Ding ding.

Slap Chop with Vince Offer: Love His Nuts And You Will Have An Exciting Life Forever

“You’re gonna love my nuts” said Vince Offer, and the –what is it? – became memorable. So anyway, Vince is showing the—oh yeah—Slap Chop and how easily and quickly it—well—chops. Food. Vegetables. Nuts. But what the heck, anything for a memory, right? So when Vince says “You’re gonna love my nuts” he may have created the first of what may, for better or worse, evolve into the Plastic Gem Library of Infomercial Literature.

One man ponders, “Eww, I hope they switched them otherwise he just put hard boiled egg in with those salty nuts and Oreos.” Now I am old, I know the nuances of nuts versus metaphorical nuts; and loving the nuts and slap chopping the nuts; which Vince would regret were he to really do that to the metaphorical nuts. But for the life of me, what is the meaning of LULZ? And in fairness to Vince, that did not come from him. My glass bubble has no translation for ESISOTN. And that one’s just for me to know.

Back to nuts, there are some people out there who are interested in buying the Slap Chop but they plan to get it at Walmart.

Here are other options to “You’ll love my nuts”. Not from Vince but inspired by him, “Veggies on top of pizza? What a concept.” And from Vince, “Watch to the 52 second mark.”. And then, as to the question of why Vince of Slap Chop and Shamwow fame wears headsets, “It dispenses the meth so he stays excitable.” Finally, Vince’s penultimate promise once you have the Slap Chop, “You’re going to have an exciting life now.” One more time—“You’ll love my nuts”.

The Strange World of the Nads Hair Gel

After going through some reviews of Nads on the infomercial, it is totally unclear to me what it does. Does it make hair grow back (on someone’s back) or does it make hair go away?

Because Nads is supposed to be growing hair on a hairy back. Why would anyone want a hairy back? What culture is this? Why would anyone want one?

So people are looking at these four pictures of a man’s back where the first photo is totally without hair, and it grows gradually until the fourth photo where his hair could qualify him to play King Kong in a movie. At least, for the back shots. Two links were attached. And the discussion ensued. Did he ever even lose hair on his back in the first place?

France, now that’s another story. When I was a child, I was told that French women did not shave their underarms as it was considered sexy. Now there is this ad for Nads hair removal gel supposedly, seen in France. But Nads is here presented as an alternative to shaving. The ad was seen on a street in Paris. So I ask again, what does Nads do?

Even before the mystery is resolved as to the actual use of Nads, someone points out a Nads review website that she loves not for the infomercial, but for the comical review. Does she care about the product? No, she says it is “Not the product; the INFOMERCIAL.”

We are left with varied scenarios: Both Nads are different products. Both products are the same, but are misunderstood. No one knows what Nads does. No one cares if they are the same or different. Unless someone buys Nads and then wonders what they are supposed to do with it.

Bizarre Santo Gold Infomercial Sell Gold Jewelery and the Movie Blood Circus

I have a theory about infomercials. When they are so ridiculous that you feel they must know they are ridiculous or if not, they are even more so, then the commentary on just how ridiculous they are tends to be laid back and at times gets even literary. Well, Facebook literary.

Take, for example, the Santo Gold infomercial that went around for the Santo Gold. One person said his primary regret in life is to never have seen his infomercial. Laid back, right? Said another, Santo Gold is comparable to the National Taxpayers Union brief against porkbarrel spending. But this next phrase I do love-freakin strange and absurdly beautiful.

Yet I am not drawn to watch this infomercial or purchase this wrestling video of an alien with a human wrestler nor buy his 24 karat five year guarantee gold. Why? If it is good enough as bribes by illegal immigrants to Canada border guards (who, it is said, also like walkmans) then why not me? Or them, for that matter, meaning everybody else except the Canada border guards.

I mean it already comes with a Blood Circus Scream Bag are we swine? Lost film for 23 years, and waiting for a producer to buy them? Hollywood? Bollywood? Anybody wood?

Wouldn’t anyone want to go to his website because he has generated such a comparatively serious tone in the art of infomercial ridicule and its fine practitioners. Imagine the genius of wedding fine Santo Gold with spacemen and wrestlers and the original Santo Gold Song music with original lyrics. As one person articulated, “What? Huh?”

Santo Gold is Bizarre and awesome. But then, one man’s garbage is another man’s Santo Gold.

Rejuvenique is the Mad Mask Facial Toner That Leaves Even Casper Jealous

It’s the Rejuvenique mask that sets you off, right from the getgo. After that, there is no saving this thing. I mean-Friday the 13th? What about Vanilla Sky? Phantom of the Opera? What? No wonder someone got his mother the butcher knife to hold onto when she was wearing this Rejuvenique mask. One person, talking about this product, was simply speechless, although he did leave a link to a review of Rejuvenique. And of course, poor Linda Evans, what has Rejuvenique done to her? You wonder, what was she thinking? Because that classic sweetness and poise and sheer beauty-behind the mask-left people remembering instead her fight scene and pondering on wigs being torn off. At least someone thought to remember the entire name of this strange looking product. It is Rejuvenique RJV10KIT Facial Toning Mask Kit and there is the appeal to buy the thing to save his site. That is the special something about infomercials, they bring out the unexpected (or, what else can you expect) in their viewers. I wonder though, just from the sight of it, what would be the personality profile of one who would actually buy the Reuvinque mask online. Perhaps one with an inner eye who looks beneath the surface to the “energy pulsations” of the Rejuvenique toning mask that exercise the facial muscles and -oh crap-maybe we are the stranger ones, after all.

Vince Gets More Attention than His ShamWow Cloth

I have a feeling that Vince from ShamWow the host of the infomercial about the Shamwow cloths, will not be concerned that people are not talking as much about the Shamwow as they are about him. Because if what I hear is right, he is the owner of the product in the United States. At least, that is one of the things I heard, don’t quote me. Now if that is true, he would not mind if he is a bigger star than the Shamwow shammy because in that sense, he and the Shamwow are one. The Shamwow shammy cloth is a highly absorbent towel that Vince claims can absorb 20 times as much liquid as its own weight. Just for the record. I also don’t think Vince the ShamWow guy will mind being the larger focus of attention nonetheless, because apparently, he really wanted to be in the business. Show business, that is. And now, everyone in the world of blogdom and forums are talking about him as the Shamwow guy. Blame it on the Shamwow infomercial. Many who have seen the infomercial don’t know his name, but they talk of his headset, his hair, and compare him to a few things, some of them insulting. That, they say, is showbiz. One person called him Billy Mays but the world is fair, another called the Shamwow the “Shemwow.” Sometimes, the Shamwow has been mistaken for the Snuggie. Suddenly, because of this cloth or towel , Vince’s life is known piece by piece. He wrote, directed, and starred in the unsuccessful film, “The Underground Comedy Movie”. Afterwards, it was said he sued the Farrell brothers, Anna Nicole Smith, and the Church of Scientology. Less flattering comments–he was said to resemble one of the mental patients from an old film, “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest”. “He creeps me out” one said. Said another, “Like watching a car wreck”. His vocal cadence was compared to a legendary siren. So finally, Vince has gottten some fame. People are curious about this man with the linear, upward spiked and gelled hair. And if he truly owns the Shamwow, he must be rich, too. He got some, if not everything that he has ever wanted. Well, some is often not close to most. We have heard tell that he was arrested for assault. But then, not everyone can be Johnny Depp.

Jeff Paul Promises Shortcuts to Internet Millions

Should I even feel sorry for Jeff Paul ? Here he is, trying so hard to help people through Jeff Paul’s Shortcuts to Internet Millions. And what response does he get for this effort? People talk about cleavage, cleavage, cleavage. Not about Shortcuts to Internet Millions or Jeff Paul, except to say that he looks sleazy. And it is only incidentally that one person said the cleavage (two sets of them) came with pretty faces. Okay. Jeff Paul may look a bit laced with scumbaggery if you will, or if you won’t. And maybe Jeff Paul’s infomercials teaching about Shortcuts to Internet Millions is not everyone’s scam of tea–I mean, cup of tea. Even his music is described as sleazy. So what good has ever been said about Jeff Paul’s infomercials on Shortcuts to Internet Millions? Marketing, one person said. Makes him want to throw his beer, call up and throw his money away, he added. Another one actually claims to have done it many times saying that he always stops what he is doing to order that product, has 15 of them, and not one time has he gotten the girl. And then there were those who said it outright, that this is a Jeff Paul Internet scam, period. But many have bothered to take the time to do the math, dividing the cleavage in half, then adding each portion as one to total four considering there are two cleavages in all. Ergo, four. Which seems to have taken up more time and math skills than the Jeff Paul’s 10 free internet businesses that are offered. Oh, well.

Dual Action Cleanse by Klee Irwin For Colon Cleansing

If Dual Action Cleanse creator Klee Irwin bothers to surf the net every now and then, (and who doesn’t), he would be bound to conclude that these days, it is not so much what someone said that is heard, but what others say about what someone else said. He should know. Because he talks in this infomercial about this colon cleanser called Dual Action Cleanse and as infomercials go, I suppose there is a lot that is said about it, much of which is repetitive, over and over, just to ensure that the product’s point comes across. So what do people talk about? Not colon cleansing , but instead, a very large green turd that is shown in a picture (quite shiny and with slow drippy quality). The second thing they will talk about is how a man investigates his daughter’s stool. Turd. Stool. Things like, is your stool as long as your child’s? Because if it’s not, there is something wrong. They do not remember colon cleansing . Call that either selective memory or shock effect or just plain humor or embarassment. But these days, things being as they are, it also becomes a tool (NOT stool) of marketing that would never have been made possible otherwise, were the net not available for everyone to speak their minds with a degree of anonymity. So this is what people are thinking. This is how they are reacting to the infomercial for Dual Action Cleanse. It sounds so crazy that it makes other people want to take a look at it. You wonder if the scriptwriter himself who put the Dual Action Cleanse infomercial together actually had that in mind. I mean, really. But then again, as a consumer, am I compelled to make use of the Dual Action Cleanse colon cleanser? Do I absolutely need to see any green bowel movement come right out of me easily and without a fight? Do I feel a need for buoyancy? Talking about groudity (a combination of gross and oddity), kill a cockroach and its blood is green. So– green turd? NOT.